Talk about being totally thrown for a loop, caught off guard and dumbfounded.  That was me this week. I am having a very difficult time even writing this out as I am not sure what exactly is going on, or why it is happening.  Recently I had decided I really and seriously needed to do something about my weight, more importantly my health. A little over a month ago, I started changing my eating habits.  Nothing drastic, no set diet or eating plan. I simply cut way back on things I know I should not be eating, and I cut out most carbs. I do not count calories or weigh my food, I don’t figure out net carbs or macros.  I simply pass on the pasta, breads, potatoes etc. I have had ice cream on several occasions.

Trying not to focus on it but I have dropped about 12 pounds.  

Which leads me to stage 2, getting active.  I feed on the laziness of others. I am unable to motivate myself to do what I know I need to do.  It is not like I don’t know, it is not like I haven’t done it before. But for whatever reason, if others are sitting around I sit around.  So I had decided that now was the time to make the change. Not sure why now is the time. No matter the reason I did, I took the first step and called a personal trainer recommended by some friends.  I do admit I breathed a sigh of relief when I got her voicemail. I did leave a message and as I hung up the phone tears formed and fell down my cheeks. What the heck.

Dana texted me, explaining she was with a client but would call when she was finished.  She did. I was working in the office at my church so was unable to answer her call. It took me almost 3 full days to listen to her message.  By this time I was out of town so I shot her a text asking if we could meet the following week. Through text message we set up an appointment to meet and discuss goals etc.  Every time I would think about meeting with her I would cry. As the meeting day approached my anxiety level was high, I was totally stressing out.

Not because I didn’t think I could do it, not because I am overweight as I have been this way for quite some time.

On the day of the appointment I had my husband and daughter go with me, as they want to participate as well, but as moral support for me.  As we chatted standing in her gym, the tears flowed again. Now I was embarrassed as I don’t even know this woman, and my daughter and husband are watching me.

I couldn’t explain it to them, nor did I probably want to.  As the thoughts flooded my mind, I was a bit shocked. Not shocked by the thought itself as much as the fact that at this point in time it would still have such control over me.

I was married to man who continually told me I wasn’t pretty, or pretty enough.  He told me I wasn’t skinny enough, if I didn’t have surgery for this or that, if I didn’t lose weight, if I didn’t look like “those” women he would leave.   I did ALL of those things and you know what? Although I felt better about my self if many ways and I was definitely healthier, HE STILL LEFT.

So all of this anxiety and all of these tears were coming from a fear that I would lose those closest to me if I embarked on this journey.

Holy moly.  Can you relate?  Why would I put that pressure on myself?  The people in my life now are in no way at all similar to my ex husband. My current life is full of people who love me unconditionally. My husband now has never given me any reason to have these feelings or thoughts. So where do they come from?  Why are they surfacing now?

I am hearing those tapes I thought I had destroyed or at least buried somewhere deep and out of sight. Those tapes that played for 25 years in a previous life, the ones I worked so hard to stop listening to. I thought they were long gone, so I am not sure how to stop them from playing.

Even with the tears, I have already had two sessions with the trainer.  I cry before I go, try super hard to not cry while there and sometimes cry when I leave.  It is so bizarre. It just happens, I have no control. I will continue to go even with the tears.  I know what I need to do and the steps it will take to get there. So I have enlisted the help of not only my husband and daughter, but our friends and family as well.  I need to keep moving forward and make new tapes to listen to.

So please don’t think because you have been doing fine, or because it has been 5 or even 10 years, that you won’t be blindsided by a very unexpected reaction to something. When it does happen, pull yourself together, take a deep breathe and remember those tapes have no value.  Enlist some friends to not just support you going forward, but help you actually destroy those tapes.

I listened to the same tapes for 25 years, I think it is definitely time for some new ones!


Donna 10-5-18