When we think of abuse and abusive relationships, we most often think of physical abuse.  Most of us never think of verbal abuse. Some of us don’t even know it exists, or what it is. It is more prevalent than I care to admit, and much harder to acknowledge or admit. But often times, words leave bigger scars than physical blows. We all need to be aware that the words that leave our mouths can damage others. Something we may think is no big deal can really destroy a person. A simple statement on our part may, in fact, alter someone’s life. I know in my own marriage hearing things like “are you going to eat that”  or “you need to go the gym more” or “she is prettier than you” or “I could go home with any woman here, why would I want to go home with you” did so much damage to my heart and my self-worth.  But that doesn’t even compare to what others experience. My friend Karen is just one example. Here is her story.

I am sure most of us have heard the saying “sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  What a lie!  I would take the physical abuse I took from the man who said he loved me over the mental and verbal abuse he dealt out every single day. Why? Bruises heal, but the hateful, hurtful words still linger with me today.

Read something besides self help, already! This was something my counselor said to me about 2 months into my counseling with her, and 3 months after my husband left. In that short time span, I had probably read 15 or more of what I called self help books: books about divorce, single parenting, being single again, depression, surviving. You name, it I was reading it. As I mentioned in earlier posts, I was searching for my answer. I was trying to find MY story written by someone else so I would know how to get through it all and how I was going to turn out.

I was still in the phase where I could barely stop crying long enough to talk to my counselor and tell her about all my reading, but I did share with her what I was reading and why.  Although she never came right out and laughed at me (she was a professional, after all) I look back now and can’t imagine how hard it was for her not to giggle a little. She knew, as I know now, that I was never going to find what I was looking for.

“Dragged to church.”  Have you ever heard that phrase? My Pastor actually uses a form of it in a sermon. He says he had a drug problem as a child — his parents drug him to church!

I was never dragged to church. In fact, I did not grow up going to church. I never knew I was missing anything until about my 9th grade year. A friend of mine lived a life that had God’s light shining through it. At the time, I had no idea what she had that I didn’t, but I knew I wanted it. I didn’t ask this friend, so I didn’t learn at that time, and even now I have not found a way to share with her that she is part of the main reason I have a relationship with God now.  Years later, when our oldest was in junior high school, I got nervous. I was a young parent, and none of my friends had kids as old as our son. The world, including the imminent threat of high school, was a scary place. I knew I needed more than my husband or I could muster in our parenting abilities to get our son through high school. It was at this point that I reached out to find a church. I got more than I bargained for; I found a church, an extended family, and a lot of support for my parenting needs.

It took me a long time to ask myself that, and even longer to figure out or admit that I was not the responsible party.

When my husband first left, he didn’t see the kids for a couple of weeks. Part of that was due to my not letting him. To explain myself a little, not that it was right, but I look back and I would do the same again. The kids were so confused, and in my mind, they needed some time to digest that he left and wasn’t coming back in the position of husband and dad like they knew him. They needed to realize he wasn’t out of town on business, or on another guys trip. Many of you will be angry and judge me and definitely disagree with me, and that is ok.

But part of it was due to the lifestyle he was leading and decisions he was making: lots of other women, partying, and spending our joint monies. For this reason, it is a  decision I made and I still stand behind.

When he did come see the kids, he would make arrangements to take them, giving me a time he would bring them back. However, he was always bringing them back early. Once he picked them up stating he was taking them for ice cream and gave me a time of an hour and a half later they would be back. As they walked away from the door, I went through the house, into the garage and got in my car and all but followed them out the driveway. I drove to a friend’s house for some much-needed girlfriend time, about 3 miles from my house. I had been in her house no more than 15 minutes when my 14 year-old son called asking where I was. When I inquired why he wanted to know, he informed me he and his 5 year-old sister were back at my house. He said his dad dropped them off and left. So I left my friend and went home. I did inquire to my ex- to- be why he dropped them off much earlier than planned. His response was something to the effect of he didn’t know what to do with them.

If you share custody of children, you know what transition day is. Do you dread it or look forward to it?  

I still, to this day, almost 7 years later look forward to this day. Whether it has been two days or five days or more, I am so excited to see my children again. Even now I have not adjusted to having a life that does not include my children. Even when they are with their father, they are still in the forefront of everything I do and think. I’m  not sure that will ever change.

But there have been times that even though I couldn’t wait to have my children back with me, I so very much dreaded that first day. You see, our children come home with stories, and complaints, and worries, and dread, and fears, and comments…