Forgiveness

Forgiveness. Forgiveness? I have always thought forgiveness was saying to the person who did wrong that it’s ok, that I am over it and I have moved on.  Well, I could not possibly forgive this man who turned my life upside down, this man who cheated, who said extremely mean and hurtful things, who treated me so horribly, who treated our children as poorly if not worse.  Time and time again I had been told I must forgive him. How do you forgive a person who doesn’t care what he has done, and maybe even more importantly, still continues in his hurtful ways? It is much easier to forgive someone who expresses remorse, someone who is sorry for what they have done, or at least for the pain they have caused. Over and over again I searched in books and sermons for that magical key to forgiving someone like this. I read. I talked. I asked questions. The answer seemed to be constant: “forgiveness is for me, not the person that did me wrong.”

Talk about a confusing message. I began to fall backwards into that hole: I must be to blame; I must have done wrong. If forgiveness is for me then I must need forgiving. Admittedly, this set me back. I continued to talk to friends and read and work with my counselor to get back on track. Now I understand how forgiveness is for me without me being to blame. However, I still struggle with how to forgive someone who is not sorry for what they did and do. Struggling with that question leads me closer and closer to understanding how forgiveness is for me and not him. I do not forgive what what he did (or does), but I have made the decision to move on. He is no longer of importance in my life; how he thinks of me or what he thinks of me holds no value. I am beginning to pity him for the choices he has made and all he has lost. I believe I am closer to forgiving  him than I give myself credit for.

D4