Apologies to Friends and Family

Unless you have walked in my shoes (or at least on my path), you will never understand. I did not choose to have my children with me only 50% of the time. That is not a choice I would ever make for myself or my children, but divorce made that choice for me, and therefore, I make other choices based on that one.

When my children are with me, I choose to spend that time with them. I plan my personal appointments and fun non-children things during the times they are with their dad.  When I am invited to an adult-only activity, I check my parenting schedule before accepting.

Being divorced and sharing custody and parenting time of children leaves us with more knowledge of the lives of our ex than we should have. This transition into a new life would definitely be easier if there was little to no contact with our ex. Besides the obvious, there are other reasons. Many of us deal with the hurt of being left behind.

I felt my life continued exactly as I planned, as I thought it would, as I envisioned it, with one slight difference – I wasn’t in it. It seemed like the only thing missing in the perfect picture was me, and worse than that was the fact that I was the only one who noticed I was missing. Life went on for everyone else, but I was stuck. Stuck staring at what I thought should be mine.

Especially once my ex remarried, which was quick, I often wondered why I even existed.  The perfect family was there, and I was here, alone. My children got the benefit of a dad and mom, even though a stepmom, and their siblings all together in what was our house, driving our cars, going on our vacations. How much more could I take?  A good friend tried to remind me that none of that was mine any more. Honestly, that just made the pain worse. I begged God to explain to me why, when my ex was the one who chose this path, did he end up with everything? God did not speak an answer to me, not then and not now. However, six years later I still have those same thoughts occasionally, although on a smaller scale and much less often. The difference is now I make myself stop and really think about what I think I am thinking.  

I have some of the best family and friends anyone could ask for. I have a great church and support network. And I have the most amazing kids and granddaughters. Sure, I don’t live that life that I once thought I was going to. Sure, I don’t live in the big house and drive the expensive cars. Sure, I don’t stay at 5 star hotels and drop thousands on a weekend.  But I could.  I choose not to, because there are more important things in life.  

D15 Originally published 9-2014

Allowing our children control because we feel guilty, because we are tired of fighting, because we think it will make them like us.  These are all things we find ourselves doing or thinking of doing, especially in the midst of or following a divorce. None of us would choose to put our children through what they go through during a divorce and custody battle. Even if you are the one that wants out of the marriage, you wish there was a way without involving the kids. No matter how civilized and friendly and cooperative your situation is or becomes, things for the kids change just like they do for us. Best case scenario, both parents love the kids and want the best for them. But even then, the kids still live with only one parent (or one parent at a time if they split their time between mom and dad). We work hard to compromise and get a schedule that works for everyone, that we feel is best. Sometimes we cant decide or agree, and parenting coordinators and judges decide. No matter how it happens, it gets written in our divorce decrees and we are ordered to abide by it.

Some parents will push every boundary and try many different ways to twist those orders to work in their favor or at least against the other parent.

No matter how yours came about or how you feel about it, do your best to stick to it and make the best of it. I did not choose to only see my children 50% of the time, but fortunately I learned early on to make the best of every minute we had together. Or maybe looking back it just seems like I learned it quickly. While going through it, I am sure I should have done it sooner.  

Stop focusing on what the kids are doing or getting or where they are going when with the other parent. Don’t compare your time with your children to their time with your ex, but do make it important that they have that time with you.

My heart hurts for a friend who is allowing her 9 year-old to dictate the parenting schedule as he wants. He says he likes it better at dad’s, he has more fun at dad’s, he wants to stay at dad’s. She gives in, and gives up her time with him because she thinks he will like her better if she does. Even on Mother’s Day, a day meant to celebrate us moms, she gave up time with her son. Her son is learning at a very early age how to control mom (Hmm, something dad did during the marriage?)

As hard as it is, it is better to make the kids abide by the schedule. If you give in once, they will expect it every time. I didn’t have this situation with my kids; it was the opposite. They wanted to be with me all the time. As difficult as it was, I would explain how important it was for them to spend time with their dad. For reasons explained in previous posts, this was very hard for me to do. I mean, how do I continue to tell my kids how important it is to go to their dad’s when their dad isn’t there?

But if your situation is like my friend’s, sit your kids down, remind them how very much you love them and how much you miss them when they are away. Explain that you look forward to your time together. Acknowledge their feelings that they think they want to be with the other parent at the same time, letting them know that this is your time with them and you need to make the best of it.

Think of fun things to make your time together special. Do a craft they choose. Eat dinner on a blanket on the floor while watching TV of their choosing. Make the most of your time with them during your time.

D14 Originally published 5-2014

Stop thinking. Easy to say, but so very hard to do.

When going through something like a divorce, we are our own worst enemies. The more we think about our situation, the more we beat ourselves up. And the more we try not to think about it ,the more we think about it.

While in the midst of the nastiest part of my divorce, I was unable to think straight, to have rational thoughts, to make any sense of the pit I had been thrown into. The more I thought about it, the more I tried to figure out how I could have stopped it, how was I to blame, what kind of horrible person I was, and on, and on, until I was spiraling out of control, crying and depressed. This happened every day, all day, all night. If I could keep myself busy, then I couldn’t think about it. When my kids were with me, I focused solely on them, doing with them and for them everything I could. When they went to their dad’s, things got really bad.

I would read what I call self help books looking for a way to survive. I went out with friends every time I was asked. It didn’t matter that I didn’t want to go,  or didn’t want to go there or do that; I had to go to survive. I relied on friends to keep me busy, and thank God I have some great friends! I even volunteered at a friend’s office almost 40 hours a week for a year (yes, volunteered for free!) I kept my mind occupied!  

But then there were those times when I had no volunteer work to do, no kids around, and no friends available. The toughest of times. I prayed A LOT. I cried even more. I begged God to help me survive, to get me out of this desperate place I was in, to make it all go away. No, God did not reach down from Heaven and pluck me from my own hell, but he stood by me while I learned to stop crying, to stand up and to take that first step on the new path, my new path.

I had to learn some coping skills I did not previously have. I had never needed them as far as I could remember. Mindless TV worked wonders. When I finally found a show that worked for me, I bought every season on DVD.. I would even go to sleep while it was on. It gave my mind something specific to focus on so it wouldn’t wander to my real life drama.

I had to learn how to not give value to things said by people of little to no value in my life, by people who were just out to hurt me. The exercise my parenting coordinator did with me that I spoke of previously taught me to block out those hateful messages. I just shared with a friend walking in my old steps that when the ex starts spewing negativity and hatefulness, all I hear is Charlie Brown’s teachers voice. Do you remember that voice? If not, Google it; if nothing else you will get a laugh.

I no longer hear what I don’t need to hear…

Photo Credit: Cody Wiley Photography

D13 Originally published 5-2014

Setting an example.  

It sounds easy enough –  not! A friend who has been through a rough divorce and is really struggling in her new life recently made a comment to me that hit a reality nail on the head. She was sharing with me how tough things are;  she has no car, lives in an apartment, can’t afford to do much with or for her 3 girls, a far cry from the life she had while married. Her ex is newly engaged, just bought a nice house with his fiancee, goes on numerous vacations, both with and without the kids…great life, right?

Wrong. He is still the same person. Those things don’t make everything better. But that wasn’t the sad part. Her comment to me was, “I should have just stayed in the marriage until the girls were all grown”. Too many of us think and feel this way.

I remember feeling like I needed to do whatever it took to make my husband come back to stay with our family. Grovel, beg, plead, whatever it took. But it was so nasty in my case that nothing would have worked.

After 2 months of him living his own life, at the recommendation of friends, family and my counselor, I retained a lawyer and filed for legal separation, mainly to protect our assets so myself and the kids would not be left with nothing. My soon-to-be ex was partying, traveling, and spending money like crazy, buying new cars, furnishing a house, etc. I forewarned him; I did not blindside him with being served papers, and I suggested he sign it over to a divorce when he got it, since that is what he wanted.

He did not, of course! He was adamant we were getting a divorce, but he was not going to be the one to file. He didn’t want me to be able to tell people he filed for divorce!

A couple of months later, when we went to court for the first time, I requested the judge turn it to a divorce instead of a legal separation.  Of course, my ex was fine with that; he could now tell everyone that I had filed for divorce. His first call was to me, to demand I be sure and tell our children that it was me who filed. I said I would, so individually I sat with each of our three children.  Our daughter, way too young to understand ,just knew daddy lived somewhere else. Our oldest son, who was just months away from getting married, said, “its about time,” and our middle son said, “I told you to do it a long time ago.”

So there you have it; I told the kids I filed.

Looking back, I know it was the right thing to do. I do not want my daughter to think that is how a woman is to be treated or that she has to accept that type of relationship.

I gave the same advice to my friend with the comment “I should have stayed married until the girls were grown.” Is that really the type of woman you want your daughters to be? To accept less than they deserve, to be unhappy, to be weak, to settle, to possibly be abused (whether emotional or physical)?

My oldest, now married with kids of his own, is a great daddy! I am proud of him for many reasons, but that is a big one. I would get angry when I would praise him for being a great daddy and ask how he learned that and his answer would be “I took good notes.”  This angered me very much, because one, I felt he didn’t have a great example in his dad, and his dad was gone for long stretches of time due to military commitments. So after getting angry hearing this comment for about the 100th time (obviously I praise him a lot!) I angrily asked what that comment means, because he didn’t learn that from his dad. My son’s response was ,”I said I took good notes, I didn’t say they were on what TO do.”

Whether we know it or acknowledge it, our children see and absorb what is around them.  

Photo Credit: Cody Wiley Photography

 D12 orginally published 5-2014

Talk about outside your comfort zone…

Fast forward now six and a half years. My daughter wanted to attend an event at our church, and we really wanted her to be a part of it, but she was at her dad’s for the weekend. You have to know the whole story to understand just how difficult this was, but I sent an email to her dad and stepmom asking if they did not have plans already if she would be permitted to join us. I offered to pick her up and drop her back off. At the end of the email, I included an invitation for them all to join us. This gesture was way, way out of my comfort zone, but seemed like the right thing to do.

As expected, I received no response . However, on Saturday night (the event being on Sunday afternoon,) I received a text from my daughter saying she could go. When I inquired as to whether I needed to pick her up or not, she shocked me by texting that she thought they were all going! Wow, is about all I could say.

To give just a little insight ,my ex, her father, hasn’t been to church in well over 7 years as he stopped going before he left our marriage. He has not kept in contact with anyone connected to our church, or any other church for that matter. In fact, he sent a nasty email to our Pastor several years ago, but that’s another story for another post.

But they did show up with our daughter.

Yes, it was uncomfortable, but I surely didn’t want him to have the satisfaction of knowing that. I greeted them all, helped them sign in and get details on the event. He never spoke, but his wife did. At least she can answer questions!

The important thing was, I stepped outside my comfort zone for the benefit of my daughter and that is how it should be. Our children should never lack or do without or not do, because of adult issues.

D11 Originally published 5-2014

Talk about being totally thrown for a loop, caught off guard and dumbfounded.  That was me this week. I am having a very difficult time even writing this out as I am not sure what exactly is going on, or why it is happening.  Recently I had decided I really and seriously needed to do something about my weight, more importantly my health. A little over a month ago, I started changing my eating habits.  Nothing drastic, no set diet or eating plan. I simply cut way back on things I know I should not be eating, and I cut out most carbs. I do not count calories or weigh my food, I don’t figure out net carbs or macros.  I simply pass on the pasta, breads, potatoes etc. I have had ice cream on several occasions.

Trying not to focus on it but I have dropped about 12 pounds.  

Which leads me to stage 2, getting active.  I feed on the laziness of others. I am unable to motivate myself to do what I know I need to do.  It is not like I don’t know, it is not like I haven’t done it before. But for whatever reason, if others are sitting around I sit around.  So I had decided that now was the time to make the change. Not sure why now is the time. No matter the reason I did, I took the first step and called a personal trainer recommended by some friends.  I do admit I breathed a sigh of relief when I got her voicemail. I did leave a message and as I hung up the phone tears formed and fell down my cheeks. What the heck.

Dana texted me, explaining she was with a client but would call when she was finished.  She did. I was working in the office at my church so was unable to answer her call. It took me almost 3 full days to listen to her message.  By this time I was out of town so I shot her a text asking if we could meet the following week. Through text message we set up an appointment to meet and discuss goals etc.  Every time I would think about meeting with her I would cry. As the meeting day approached my anxiety level was high, I was totally stressing out.

Not because I didn’t think I could do it, not because I am overweight as I have been this way for quite some time.

On the day of the appointment I had my husband and daughter go with me, as they want to participate as well, but as moral support for me.  As we chatted standing in her gym, the tears flowed again. Now I was embarrassed as I don’t even know this woman, and my daughter and husband are watching me.

I couldn’t explain it to them, nor did I probably want to.  As the thoughts flooded my mind, I was a bit shocked. Not shocked by the thought itself as much as the fact that at this point in time it would still have such control over me.

I was married to man who continually told me I wasn’t pretty, or pretty enough.  He told me I wasn’t skinny enough, if I didn’t have surgery for this or that, if I didn’t lose weight, if I didn’t look like “those” women he would leave.   I did ALL of those things and you know what? Although I felt better about my self if many ways and I was definitely healthier, HE STILL LEFT.

So all of this anxiety and all of these tears were coming from a fear that I would lose those closest to me if I embarked on this journey.

Holy moly.  Can you relate?  Why would I put that pressure on myself?  The people in my life now are in no way at all similar to my ex husband. My current life is full of people who love me unconditionally. My husband now has never given me any reason to have these feelings or thoughts. So where do they come from?  Why are they surfacing now?

I am hearing those tapes I thought I had destroyed or at least buried somewhere deep and out of sight. Those tapes that played for 25 years in a previous life, the ones I worked so hard to stop listening to. I thought they were long gone, so I am not sure how to stop them from playing.

Even with the tears, I have already had two sessions with the trainer.  I cry before I go, try super hard to not cry while there and sometimes cry when I leave.  It is so bizarre. It just happens, I have no control. I will continue to go even with the tears.  I know what I need to do and the steps it will take to get there. So I have enlisted the help of not only my husband and daughter, but our friends and family as well.  I need to keep moving forward and make new tapes to listen to.

So please don’t think because you have been doing fine, or because it has been 5 or even 10 years, that you won’t be blindsided by a very unexpected reaction to something. When it does happen, pull yourself together, take a deep breathe and remember those tapes have no value.  Enlist some friends to not just support you going forward, but help you actually destroy those tapes.

I listened to the same tapes for 25 years, I think it is definitely time for some new ones!

Donna 10-5-18

How does one turn off love? Is there a switch? This question came about as I went through the early, ugly stages of my divorce.  

How does someone who promised to love me until death do us part, someone who said “I love you” every day, now hate me with a capital H? As I read texts and emails and listened in depositions and court appearances, I asked myself over and over and over, how can he hate me? Especially in my case, where he was the one who left, who chose divorce.

He then said things like I ruined basketball for him. We held season tickets to pro and college basketball for years, and now he leaves his family and I have ruined basketball for him? WHAT?  As you might have guessed, that was very short-lived, as shortly thereafter, he demanded all tickets be turned over to him.

I should hate him, or at least dislike him. But I found myself still so much in love with him, wanting him to still love me.

That has all changed now.

Photo Credit: Cody Wiley Photography

 D10 originally published 5-2014

Control. Good ? Bad? What is control?

When you are a woman married to or divorced from a narcissistic man, it is bad. It is painful. It is sometimes hard to see.

I spent 24 years married to a man that I was in love with that I never thought was controlling. But looking back with clearer vision – WOW! He was incredibly controlling. I can see it now; others could see it then. Once I recovered somewhat from my husband leaving and the nasty divorce, although I am still not sure one ever fully recovers, I was at least on my way. Friends would ask me what I was going to do, go back to school? Get a job? Travel?

Simple questions? Not really. I had no idea what I was going to do. Those same friends would say, “now you can do what you want.” The only problem was that I had no idea what I wanted. I could tell you things I had done in my life and whether I liked them, I guess. But as a blank starting point, I had no idea. For 24 years we did what he wanted to do, went where he wanted to go. It didn’t seem a problem during the marriage, other than a few times I can recall. I wanted to travel, he did not. Most places I wanted to go he didnt want to be on a plane that long,  so I planned all our vacations around where he wanted or would go. I didn’t go without him, because who would take care of our kids? (Yes, that is what he would tell me!)

In fact, I can remember needing a gown for a charity black tie event that he/we wanted to go to. I hadn’t managed to find time to go shopping, so time was running out. My mom was up visiting and said she would go with me, which was huge because she hated to shop. So one Saturday, late morning, when we had nothing scheduled, I asked my husband (yes asked!) not if I could go to the mall, but if he would watch our children while I went (our daughter was about 2 and our son at home was 11 or 12). He said yes, so my mom and I drove away. I had driven to the mall, which was no more than 15-20 minute drive, parked, went in the first store, picked up a few gowns and entered the dressing room, when my phone rang. Yep, it was him wanting to know how much longer I was going to be! When I explained that I hadn’t even tried one dress on yet, he explained the kids were hungry. Hmmmmm.

I guess the most horrific time in my memory would be when my mother was dying. He didn’t want the kids to see her and fought me on me going to see her. I finally convinced him we needed to go. He agreed and we drove the hour and a half to my sister’s, where my mom was living out her last days. He refused to visit with her or let our children go see her, something my middle son will never overcome. I visited with her and at one point my daughter, who was 4 years old at the time, snuck down the hallway and into the room. But he soon came and pulled her out. Once we returned home and I expressed interest in going back, he said I didn’t need to, she wouldn’t know whether I did or not. And besides, who would care for the kids if I went? So 4 days later, my mother passed away and I will never get another chance. That I will never recover from.

But even those episodes did not open my eyes to the controlling person he was. It was only after he walked out and the ugliness began that I really saw it. And even then, it was my counselor telling me that is what it was. When he would send me hateful texts or emails for what I considered no reason, she would explain about control.

Why do we continue to let anyone be controlling over us? I always used to say I never understood how an abused person could stay with their abuser. Looking back I get it; I don’t like it, but I understand it.

Why did he accuse me of things he knew were not true? Control.

I was speaking to a new friend the other day and listening to her trials and tears as she goes through a divorce with a lot of similarities to mine. She questioned why her husband would accuse her of drinking too much, of being with other men.

Control.

I explained to her that is his way of controlling her, still. He knows that upsets her and makes her emotional, which gives him the power to control things. She will argue and try to explain again and again, but he doesn’t care. He is not looking for answers. She explained to me she gets sometimes 30 texts from him in one day. When I asked her why she answers him, she said she had to. Why, why do you have to? Just ignore the texts; better yet, block his number. Oh, she explained, she can’t – what about the kids? Oh honey, there are ways around that. If you cannot tell him to stop or ignore the texts when they come in, get a phone without texting for contact with him about the kids. Keep another number for friends to text. Mine was so bad, it became court ordered that he only email me unless it was an emergency about our children.

He can text all he wants, but if you don’t answer him, it will eventually stop. You’ve taken away his control.

A parenting coordinator once did an exercise with me that was not very pleasant, but was a huge learning experience for me. For what seemed like an eternity, our parenting coordinator ranted to me on the phone. When he was done, he asked me what he had just said. I repeated things like I was fat, I was a bad mother, I was ugly, no man would ever want me and so on. When the parenting coordinator said I was wrong I began to argue. I knew what I heard. The parenting coordinator explained he had stated my daughter needed to be picked up at 5pm. WHAT? Ok, so I do recall something about that in his ranting.

His point was that I should have heard nothing else. The only things I need to hear from my ex are about our children. Nothing else matters and should have no importance in my life. It takes awhile, but it is such a life-changing lesson.  Text after text about where I was, who I was with, what I better do or not do, how horrible of a person I was, how I ruin things for him, how I need to stay out of his life , how I need to stop sharing information with our kids, how I need to make the kids behave when they are with him and on, and on, and on.

My dad once told my mom that it takes two to argue. She wasn’t too happy about it since she was arguing with me, her teenage daughter. But years later, it rings loud and clear in my life. All those texts and emails I felt I had to answer, I had to explain my side, I had to prove him wrong. What I failed to realize was he was doing it to be mean, to be hurtful, to make me argue. I would never win the argument with someone who didn’t care and was arguing for the sake of arguing. I could have said we lived in the United States and he still would have argued.

If it doesn’t have to do with the children, do not answer, period. End of argument.

Photo Credit: Cody Wiley Photography

D9 originnally posted 5-2014

I had a revelation of sorts.

 As I was driving to work this morning, I was again beating myself up for being so negative and nasty towards society, well people in society, certain people how they behave or what they wear. And even more that “we” are accepting of it. What I am speaking of is women, girls who reveal too much, whether it be in their clothing or behavior. I have been very negative for a long time about it, but it seems to be getting worse and worse. As I became angry with myself again this morning for having such thoughts, I heard something that stopped me in my tracks: all this time being negative ,I have blamed me; maybe I am jealous? Maybe because I have put on weight since my divorce, maybe because I am fat, I am just jealous of them. Perhaps because my ex compared me to those types I am jealous. Maybe because my ex desired them and said mean things to me I am jealous. Maybe because I haven’t been able to erase those things from my mind or heart I am jealous…

Then on my way to work this morning I was listening to a radio station found by my 11 year old daughter and left on in my truck, family life radio KFLR. They were talking about a tweet made by Natalie Grant in regards to the recent Grammys.  “We left the Grammy’s early. I’ve many thoughts, most of which are probably better left inside my head. But I’ll say this: I’ve never been more honored to sing about Jesus and for Jesus. And I’ve never been more sure of the path I’ve chosen.”

Could my negativity be my sign that I am on the right path?  Could God be directing my thoughts?

Photo Credit: Cody Wiley Photography

D8 originally published 5-9-14