Why do we find ourselves dependent, gullible, and with so little self-esteem? My heart breaks as I sit and listen to a friend tell me through her tears of her difficulties with her soon-to-be ex.  As I listen to her share her experience and her emotions and her fears, I am all too familiar.  

This was me 7 years ago.  Her words are echoes of my own. Funny how right my counselor was when she told me in 5 years I would see things totally differently.  But I am not so far removed that I cannot remember that pain, those desperate feelings, that agony of defeat.  As I long for my friend to be far beyond where she stands today, I pray God’s peace and comfort for her during this trial.  

Why does she feel worthless? Why does what “he” says still hold so much power?  Why does she feel the need to battle it out with him every time? Believe me, I asked myself those same questions, but when we are in the midst of turmoil, we are unable to think clearly, to see clearly, to hear clearly.

Please be aware that your spouse, soon-to-be ex or ex, knows all the right buttons to push.  Don’t give in; do not let him push those buttons. Why do we care when they say hurtful things to us or about us, and the big one… to our children? Whether we grew up dependent, or we became that way in our marriages, somewhere along the way we lost the ability to stand alone, stand strong, to believe in ourselves.  

Especially when going through a divorce, that person who used to matter the most needs to be thought of as someone of no matter at all.  Whatever comes out of that person’s mouth holds no value to us; it means nothing.

Tonight my main piece of advice to my friend was to STOP answering him. Whether he is calling, texting or emailing; if you can– ignore him. If you must— read; BUT DO NOT RESPOND. He is looking for a fight, and not only are we giving him one, we are more importantly providing him with ammunition he may be able to use against us in the future.  

During heated arguments, we often say things we regret, even things that are not true.  Your ex doesn’t care whether it is true or not; he will construe it to work in his favor. My friend is so afraid her kids are not going to want to be with her, that she will lose them forever. THAT statement right there should scare the dumb-ness right out of you. If we can’t find it within us to stand up for and fight for ourselves, then we should surely be able to stand up for and fight for our children. Set an example our kids can be proud of. Do not let cruel words of someone who is only out to hurt you, define you. You want to live your life so that when others hear the lies he is saying they will stop and say, “no way, that is not the person I know!”

In our legal system, our children do not have a say during a divorce, so be their voice, fight for their best interest.  And once you have a parenting agreement, even if it is not exactly what you think is best, fight to make it work. “Disneyland” dads are everywhere (believe me I see it every day). Dad ends up more financially stable, so he “buys” the kids’ love and attention.  

Mom does not fare as well and feels guilty for not being able to provide those material things.  I still battle with this even now, but I know being a loving, caring, attentive parent is really what all our children want. They may not know it, and we definitely can’t see it, but it is so very true.  

Yes it is fun at “Disneyland” dad’s, yes they get lots of stuff and go lots of places. But when you stop to really really look at them, they feel safe at mom’s, they feel at home at mom’s, and mom is the person they go to with troubles and concerns. My children still say their dad does not care about them. Don’t get me wrong, they still spend time with him, and are part of his family but it is not the same.  

My daughter often asks me why I don’t go to certain events, and my answer is always the same: because that is my time with her. She has recently informed me that it is okay if I go and do, on days she is with me! Way too smart for her 11 years. I simply explain that I don’t want to, during my time with her I prefer to do with her. I don’t tell her, but I will share with you, I only have her with me 50 percent of the time; if I cannot live MY life for me the other 50 percent of the time there, is something seriously wrong with me. I did not choose to only be with her 50 percent of the time. It was a horrible hand dealt to me, and since I can choose, I choose to make her my number one priority all the time. Of course, she only gets to see that 50 percent of the time. There is never a time that she has wanted me to do something or just to share something with me or needed me that I am not there for her. That is something I strive to never change. She sees things like being left with a sitter while at her dads’, being left with her step-mom all the time, and her dad never being around ,versus mom taking her to school events, to tutoring, to ice skating, to birthday parties, on vacations, to visit her brother at college etc.

So let “Disneyland” dad do whatever it is he is doing (as long as it is not putting the kids in danger) and you be the best mom you can be 100 percent of the time.

And to do that, you must learn to stand strong, to see yourself through the eyes of those that love you, not the one who wants to hurt you.

The best revenge is a life well-lived. Really think about that statement. Let it sink in. Say it out loud.

One day in the not-so-distant future, you will stop and realize you are living that life!

Photo Credit: Cody Wiley Photography

D7

“Do what’s right for the kids.”  

We believe we know what is best for our kids. I know I do!  That is why ,when hell opened up and tried to swallow us, I became even more protective of my children. When their dad came back around claiming he wanted to spend time with our children, I was suspicious. My suspicions proved correct when, on a night he had the kids, I ran into him at a bar! This would happen more often than I care to admit.  I even shared this with our parenting coordinator. Their father’s stance was just because it’s his time with the kids doesn’t mean he has to spend every minute with them! WHAT? This was the first clue that it wasn’t about wanting to be with the kids; it was about keeping them away from me. How do you deal with that? More importantly, how do you keep from stooping to that level? Although I had those thoughts, I could never do that to or with my kids. No matter what.

As I hunger to protect my kids, and as I struggle with them not having mommy 24/7/365, we all learn some hard lessons. Why would a parent fight verbally, emotionally and even in court for “parenting time,” not custody, mind you, but “time” if you have no intention of spending that time WITH the kids? Why should the kids have to spend time away from one parent when that parent is available and willing to be with them?  Why do our courts see nothing wrong with this? As I tearfully drop my children off at their father’s, I often receive a text shortly after that they are home alone again. My heart breaks, and I struggle to function when my kids are away from me knowing they are struggling being away. I vent to friends; I talk about it with my counselor; I sometimes stupidly reply to my soon-to-be-ex about what a terrible parent he is. He  doesn’t care. How do you make someone care?

Photo Credit: Cody Wiley Photography

D6

Some have said that my writing style is a bit unusual. I’m not sure exactly how to take that. Is it meant to be complementary, or a polite way of saying they don’t care for my writing. So, I thought that I would take this opportunity to explain where it all comes from.

It starts with sleepless nights. I will go to bed completely exhausted and barely able to keep my eyes open. I will go through my nightly ritual. Walk Winston, lock the door, make sure the kitchen has been “shut down”, turn off the TV. Wash my face, brush my teeth, jump in bed.Get out of bed and make sure I locked the door. Again! Pretty normal stuff so far, right?

Right. Until I close my eyes ready and hoping for that sweet slumber to come upon me. Then it happens. Every single thought brings themselves front and center to my brain. Some of them are meaningless thoughts. For instance; why does Winston bark at birds flying over him? Or. Did I lock the front door? Just like that I am wide awake.

Other times the thoughts are more substantial. Those are the thoughts that cause the writings to be raw and real. Some of you have read my “Reflection Time” posts on Facebook. Some of you have only read what I have submitted to Donna to post on the blog. In both cases the writing is literally the thoughts that are in my head. Written exactly how I feel them or hear them.

When Donna and I spoke a few weeks ago about starting the blog back up it caused me to think on a few things. One of the things that I have been bouncing around is my writing style. How it is different from Donnas? What I love about Donna’s style is how she tells her story and there is almost always a lesson or ah-ha moment that she comes to and then shares it with her readers. Donna is an optimist. One of my favorite qualities of hers. My style is much different.

I am a realist. If there is something going on in my personal life I am going to write about it from the emotions that I have. I am not one to sugar coat or beat around the bush. I am a firm believer in speaking the truth in love, and telling it like I feel it.

Some of the things I will write about. Domestic violence. Grandchildren. Singleness. Adult children. There will be lots of emotional writing about how I feel about navigating being single and loneliness. Whatever the topic my desire is to encourage you all. My hope is that you will continue to read our blog, and that you will have your own ah-ha moments. Or that you will be able to relate to either of us or both of us.

A huge thank you to Donna for including me in her vision. I appreciate you more than I can put into words. And to all of you who encourage me to write and then actually read what I write. I love you oodles friends!

1 Thessalonians 5:11 So encourage each other to build each other up, just as you are already doing.

A reason, a season, a lifetime. Friends. Have you heard that saying? One of my main concerns at the beginning, when I finally could breathe, was that I didn’t want to have only divorced friends;  I didn’t want that to be my new identity. God has way bigger plans than we can ever imagine! Not only did I seek out a few divorced people to answer questions and get support, but some also sought me out.

I sought out someone at my church that I had watched from afar go thru a divorce. I heard things, I witnessed tears, and through it all believed she stood strong and with dignity. I wanted to know how to do that, so I formed a relationship with her. My sister had come through strong as a huge support and early on saw everything my way, and I needed that. I had friends who chose sides; sometimes, it wasn’t my side. I had friends who played devil’s advocate. I had friends who just listened, did not agree or disagree. I needed each and every one of them. I made new friends, lost some old friends. Some old friends came to the forefront, and some new friends fell to the background. Learning yet again a life lesson, God gives us some people for a reason; some for a season in our life and still others for a lifetime.

Photo Credit: Cody Wiley Photography

D5

Forgiveness. Forgiveness? I have always thought forgiveness was saying to the person who did wrong that it’s ok, that I am over it and I have moved on.  Well, I could not possibly forgive this man who turned my life upside down, this man who cheated, who said extremely mean and hurtful things, who treated me so horribly, who treated our children as poorly if not worse.  Time and time again I had been told I must forgive him. How do you forgive a person who doesn’t care what he has done, and maybe even more importantly, still continues in his hurtful ways? It is much easier to forgive someone who expresses remorse, someone who is sorry for what they have done, or at least for the pain they have caused. Over and over again I searched in books and sermons for that magical key to forgiving someone like this. I read. I talked. I asked questions. The answer seemed to be constant: “forgiveness is for me, not the person that did me wrong.”

Talk about a confusing message. I began to fall backwards into that hole: I must be to blame; I must have done wrong. If forgiveness is for me then I must need forgiving. Admittedly, this set me back. I continued to talk to friends and read and work with my counselor to get back on track. Now I understand how forgiveness is for me without me being to blame. However, I still struggle with how to forgive someone who is not sorry for what they did and do. Struggling with that question leads me closer and closer to understanding how forgiveness is for me and not him. I do not forgive what what he did (or does), but I have made the decision to move on. He is no longer of importance in my life; how he thinks of me or what he thinks of me holds no value. I am beginning to pity him for the choices he has made and all he has lost. I believe I am closer to forgiving  him than I give myself credit for.

D4

How can someone that promised to love you until death parted us, someone that has children with you, someone that’s said a million times they love you, someone you built a life with, not just leave, not just walk out, not just claim they still love you but are not IN love with you, someone you love and adore, now spew such hatred at you? I have never been a mean or hurtful person, so why would anyone be that to me, especially this person?

As I struggled to simply function day-to-day, sometimes hour to hour, I headed down the road he was pushing me down. I must be a horrible person, I would think. I must be to blame.  Even surrounded by people telling me otherwise, I began to believe the hate. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping.  I definitely didn’t want to see or talk to anyone because then they would know I am a horrible person and that my marriage failed. Finally, a good friend told me about “mindless tv,”  usually a half hour sitcom you can watch that doesn’t require concentration to follow the story, but can occupy your mind briefly. It took awhile to find a program that worked for me, but I did and I would gain brief reprieves from my nightmares. Ironically, the first show I began watching was Reba. You would think the story of a woman that gets divorced would be the worst thing for me in my situation, but it gave me a brief (and welcomed) distraction from my current reality.

D3

I remember laying face down on the floor, sobbing, begging God to help me.  I have heard others say they’ve heard God speak to them. But in those moments, as much as I wanted to, I did not. Through my sobs, all I heard was silence. Which end was up? Was I coming or going? Why was I even alive?

A few months later, when I could stop the tears for extended periods of time, provided I wasn’t thinking, desperation hit hard. Every book or article I could get my hands on was ravaged for answers. Maybe I could find more about my story by reading someone else’s, where she could tell me how to survive, how to exist after this betrayal.  (Since you’re reading this, you guessed it; I never found my answer.)

I didn’t find it then, and now, years later, I still haven’t found that answer.  But there’s hope. Along the way, I found out so much about life, myself, others, and God.

There is a commercial on TV for an antidepressant that says “depression hurts.” While depressed, the commercial asserts, everything hurts; laughter hurts, friends hurt, life hurts. After seeing the commercial, I asked someone very close to me who has been through some major life experiences if they had ever felt that pain,  if they had ever been so depressed their entire being hurt.  The answer was no.  I admitted that I have.  I shocked my friend by confiding that there were times driving down the road where I would have thoughts about driving off the road to end the pain; I wouldn’t have to cry anymore, I’d think. This would all be over, I’d tell myself. I wouldn’t have to think about what happened.

Sometimes, this journey can take you down paths you’d never imagine taking. For me, what I thought was a detour was the path meant for me, whether I anticipated taking it or not. Since I wasn’t able to find that story where I could hear my own echoed, I decided to write my own.  If I’m able to touch just one person’s life based on my own experiences, I’d relive all of that heartache again.

Photo credit: Cody Wiley Photography

D2

I’m not a writer. Something, or someone, has been tugging at my heart and mind, urging me to reach out. To who and for what, I am not sure. What I do know is if I tell my story, as painful as it may be, and am able to touch one person, I am a success.

A success is the antithesis of what I was feeling almost seven years ago. After 24 years of marriage, 3 kids, many successes and few low places, I arrived home to my husband telling me that he wanted a divorce. As I stood dumbfounded, tears streaming down my face, he walked out, never to return…..to the marriage, that is (he’d take the house back later). Was our marriage perfect? Of course not; no marriage is. But we weren’t divorce-bound, to my knowledge. Looking back, of course, my perspective is different (hindsight is always 20/20).

For the first few days, I was numb, and likely completely unaware of the perspective I’ve gained today. This man who I thought I would spend my entire life with was gone, leaving my life in shambles, my children devastated, our family destroyed, friends bewildered. My head throbbed from the constant crying. While I finally managed not to cry in front of the kids, the times when they weren’t around were uncontrollable.

And the icing on the proverbial cake was, a few days later, I was throwing a birthday party for our daughter, who

was turning 5. The party was already planned, and invitations had gone out, so there was no backing out. I didn’t want anyone to know my marriage had failed. The decision he made to leave somehow made me a failure

D1

As this blog has evolved, so have we.  Karen and I find ourselves in totally different places than we were years ago when we began with that very first step.  I don’t believe divorce is something anyone totally “gets over”, or “recovers from”, or “heals from”.  I believe the damage done is now part of who we have become.  For better or worse, it was the worst, at least in our minds.

We find ourselves growing and learning each and every day.  We also find that we still have the heart to be there for others as they try to find their way.  As Karen and I ran into a writing block wall of sorts, we questioned whether to keep the blog going or shut it down.  At just that moment we were referred to someone struggling, or we were asked to speak, or we received a note of thank you from someone reading one of our posts from months or years before.  You see there will always be someone out there just like us, searching for answers, searching for help, searching for someone to tell them they will survive and probably most importantly thrive.  As we wrestled with this decision, we each independently experienced some things in our own lives that either made us reflect on past writings or get out the keyboard and start writing again.

We believe God has nudged us both to keep plugging along and that is what we fully intend to do!  We have updated the website and will not only repost past stories, but new ones as well.  We know that even one life touched is enough.

So together lets keep taking one step at a time, and With Every Step we will together discover who we are meant to be!

Blessings,

Donna and Karen