Lost: my willpower

In my former life,  I was required to go to the gym, to run, to walk, to work out everyday, to starve, to have surgery… just to try to make him happy and stay in our family.

You guessed it: none of that worked. Yes, I did it all and it still didn’t work. Now, years later, I know that nothing I did or could ever do would make him happy.

So I have grown, I have learned, I have moved on. But somewhere along the way, I lost something I wasn’t expecting.  During a divorce, we lose so much: who we thought was the love of our life, our house, our things, time with our kids, money, jobs, friends, and so on.

But as I discover who I am and who I want to be, I have also discovered something else missing.  

My willpower.

Willpower is not in all aspects of my new life: just one. The one of me, taking care of me.

So I am in search of my willpower these days. If you have some to spare or have seen mine, please let me know.

I have begun to realize I am a good person, worthy of being loved. I like who I am on the inside and who I am to others in my life. My kids and new hubby love me for me, with all my flaws and flab.  I guess that has given me a false sense of being and I let go of the drive to stay fit and healthy.

I know that some of that has to do with the negative stigma that was attached to it by my ex.  But what he thinks or says no longer matters, so I need to find a healthy view of “fit and healthy.”

I want to enjoy life, I want to be here for my kids, my grandkids and my new husband.  I don’t want to be held back by my “size” or my unhealthiness.  I want to set a good example for all my kids, but especially my daughter as she enters those nasty pre-teen and teen years.

So with that in mind, I set out to start anew today! I walked 1.39 miles at a good pace today.  I have begun wearing a FITBIT to help visualize my steps and need to be more active. I have been more conscious of what I am eating, not making major changes yet, but slowly that will come into play.

So if you see me online, remind me to get moving. If you see me out walking or running, cheer me on.  And if you find my willpower, please return it – this would be so much easier with it!