Reflection time: I am single. Not that single defines WHO I am, it is only a part of what I am. I am first a Christian, mother, sister, and a friend. “Single” is just one of those labels attached to me. It is a label that I dislike the most! You would think that being divorced 6 years, I would finally be comfortable with this, but I am not. I should be enjoying figuring out who I am. Most days I do. Then there are those days that just get the best of me.
Day after day, it is the same routine. Go to work, come home, eat, sit in front of the TV or the computer, stay up way too late, go to bed, get up, go to work…
Occasionally, the routine changes and I will have a girls night, but then it is right back home to a dark, empty apartment. It is at these times that it becomes abundantly clear how much I hate being single. I know that a man does not complete me. I in no way think I NEED a man. I would like to have a man in my life. Someone to share my day with, a purpose, a focus on someone other than myself. My personality is that of a nurturer. I can honestly say one of the things I miss most about being married is cooking dinner for my family and having it ready when they came home from work and school. I miss being domestic. I really liked the housewife thing. I loved doing the laundry, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, running the kids everywhere. I was blessed to have a job that afforded me the ability to be able to do those things and then run back to work if I needed to. What I don’t love is sitting around and not having anyone to “take care of,” so to speak.
I remember being lonely when I was married, but it was a different lonely. That was about rejection. I was never a priority to my husband because he was too busy paying attention to other women. This lonely is about not belonging, not knowing where I fit in anymore. I have grown children, and they have children. They are amazing fathers that work hard, and put their family first. I don’t understand why things have to change so much that I feel like an outsider looking in. Everything has changed. Please don’t think I am belittling what my sons are doing. I am proud of them both for putting their family first. I totally understand that they are to put their spouse and children ahead of their parent.
I just don’t understand why there aren’t family outings; like a picnic, trip to the zoo, or the occasional invite for dinner. Even trying to get a family picture with all of them turns into a huge ordeal. Either, one is not able to join us, or the kids are not cooperative. And I’m just standing there thinking, I don’t really ask for much, why can’t it just be a simple picture?!
Some who are reading this may think; really, I’d love to have some quiet time. I can come home and just relax, think on things. I do enjoy those times. While not having someone to answer to if I stay after church longer than usual, or if a friend calls at the last minute to go grab a bite to eat or go to a movie are some positives that I enjoy
I just don’t enjoy doing them everyday. I love to have someone I can talk to about tough decisions I have to make. Accountability to someone. Or personal touch. There is so much power in the touch of another. Whether it is just holding hands, or a hug.
With all that I’ve said in this little rant, I’ve come to this conclusion: I have allowed single to define me even though I know it shouldn’t. I’ve allowed it to control what I think about myself. I’m too old, I’m too fat, I’m not pretty enough, smart enough. I allow those things to seep into my brain and my heart that says, I’m not good enough and that is why I am single. So every time I am not “picked” I blame myself. I’ve said to Donna, many times, “I feel like the teams have all been chosen, and the game has started, but I’m still standing there waiting for someone to pick me.”
The truth is this: I am more than enough. I matter. I need to focus on what I do have and not on what I don’t have. I need to focus my thoughts on things that are positive and not allow the lies to penetrate my heart. As the book title goes, “Where the mind goes, the heart follows.” (Joyce Meyer)
I hope that in some odd way, this little rant has encouraged you. Maybe you feel the same way and thought you were the only one. Let me assure you, you are not alone. I would love to tell you the secret of how to push through, but I don’t know one. Some days are easier than others. I always look at those days that are more difficult as a growth spurt that God is bringing me through. I am always thankful when I come out on the other side.
Are you comfortable in being single, or do you struggle with it defining you?
For me to live is Christ. (Phil 1:21)
I have been made complete in Christ. (Col 2:10)
I am loved (1 John 4:10)
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Ps. 139:14)