How can someone that promised to love you until death parted us, someone that has children with you, someone that’s said a million times they love you, someone you built a life with, not just leave, not just walk out, not just claim they still love you but are not IN love with you, someone you love and adore, now spew such hatred at you? I have never been a mean or hurtful person, so why would anyone be that to me, especially this person?
As I struggled to simply function day-to-day, sometimes hour to hour, I headed down the road he was pushing me down. I must be a horrible person, I would think. I must be to blame. Even surrounded by people telling me otherwise, I began to believe the hate. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I definitely didn’t want to see or talk to anyone because then they would know I am a horrible person and that my marriage failed. Finally, a good friend told me about “mindless tv,” usually a half hour sitcom you can watch that doesn’t require concentration to follow the story, but can occupy your mind briefly. It took awhile to find a program that worked for me, but I did and I would gain brief reprieves from my nightmares. Ironically, the first show I began watching was Reba. You would think the story of a woman that gets divorced would be the worst thing for me in my situation, but it gave me a brief (and welcomed) distraction from my current reality.