The Truth, or just what they want to hear?
How do you encourage your child to speak openly and honestly?
Now, how do you encourage the same child to speak openly and honestly with the same opinions in both households?
Case in point, I get an email from my daughter’s stepmother stating she wants to take my daughter on vacation without my ex, and my daughter really wants to go. So, me not wanting to prohibit anything that is what my daughter wants, within reason, speak to my daughter about the vacation. She tells me she doesn’t want to go. She doesn’t like flying, she only wants to get on a plane if I am with her, and she wants to stay with her dad. I explain the email I received and she says she told her stepmom that it sounded like fun, but didn’t know her dad was not going.
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Communication Used as Control
Such a powerful subject, and one I have written on a few times: communication.
However, in this instance, I am coupling communication with control. I met with another young woman this week as she was struggling with some things in her relationship, or situation, if you will, with her ex. They are divorced and share custody and parenting time of twin girls. As if that is not enough, both the girls have autism.
She has a court order in place that stipulates all communication is to go through a court email system, unless it is of an emergent nature. She has been known herself go outside of the court email system in what she thought of as emergent in the heat of the moment. However, it has now gotten out of control with texts, personal emails, and phone calls. Worse than her receiving all those, she is responding to every single one of them.
As we continue through our conversation, she is realizing the mistakes she has made and the part she has played in bringing this nightmare onto herself.
We go back to the oh-so-hard to live by, but simple truth: not every contact made by your ex requires a response. In her case, if it has nothing to do with her girls, it needs no response. It deserves NO response.
By responding, she is allowing her ex control of her time, her energy, her thoughts, and sometimes her sanity.Write comment (0 Comments)
Thoughts and Fears, Rational or Irrational?
Did you find yourself more independent and adventurous after your divorce? Or did you find yourself more self conscious and afraid?
Something I hadn’t given much thought to, until just now. And I don’t think I can answer that question. Up until just recently, my answer would have been “more independent and more adventurous.” Once I was able to breathe and focus, I did things by myself, for myself, and my children. Some things I had never thought about doing, never done alone, and even some I never wanted to do.
That first year, in an effort to survive, to run from reality, I traveled a lot. That was brave and independent and adventurous of me. I hadn’t done it much in my married life, because “he” didn’t want to. So although I went with a friend, or a group of friends, I felt accomplished and like a survivor of sorts.Write comment (0 Comments)
It is the little things............
I just spent a weekend with my kids. Yes, all 3 of them! It is hard to do these days. One is married with his own family, one is a young adult, and one splits her time between mom and dad. So getting all 3 of them together is a chore in itself. Now, to get them all to have a weekend off and to WANT to spend it with their mom, that is a whole different story. But the stars were aligned, and God blessed me with 3 days full of my kids and grandkids. We all met at our place in Mexico to just relax. We had nothing planned and just went with the flow. We ate at the pool bar, or a restaurant at the resort, or simply snacked on whatever we wanted.
Our first night we opted to eat at one of the restaurants on site. It was all you can eat pasta night, so all 8 of us enjoyed dinner together. Once back at the condo, the little ones wanted to watch a movie and the rest of us played several rounds of Phase 10. I didn’t remember that a card game could be so hilarious. We laughed to the point of tears, then took a break to put the littles to bed and played on for a bit. Once we were too tired to play another hand, everyone went off to bed, happy and comfy under one roof.
The next morning my oldest, up before everyone else, went to the local grocery store and bought items he needed to cook us all a wonderful breakfast. We laid on the beach, where I watched my daughter-in-law run with my two granddaughters in and out of the waves. I watched my daughter play with her brother and sister-in-law and nieces in and around the water. I watched my middle son relax on a towel, suntanning and reading, something he hasn’t done in quite a while. When we had enough of the beach, we had lunch at the pool bar.Write comment (1 Comment)