Thoughts and Fears, Rational or Irrational?
Did you find yourself more independent and adventurous after your divorce? Or did you find yourself more self conscious and afraid?
Something I hadn’t given much thought to, until just now. And I don’t think I can answer that question. Up until just recently, my answer would have been “more independent and more adventurous.” Once I was able to breathe and focus, I did things by myself, for myself, and my children. Some things I had never thought about doing, never done alone, and even some I never wanted to do.
That first year, in an effort to survive, to run from reality, I traveled a lot. That was brave and independent and adventurous of me. I hadn’t done it much in my married life, because “he” didn’t want to. So although I went with a friend, or a group of friends, I felt accomplished and like a survivor of sorts.
Now I find myself, many years later, questioning myself again. I attended and completed nearly 90 hours of Real Estate School and find myself fearful of taking the test. I am doing all the practice tests, and if I do not get 100%, feel like a failure (only a 75% is needed to pass the school exam). I feel so fearful that I have yet to schedule to take the test.
I have been invited by a close friend to attend a convention in a couple of months. Sounds exciting! I even asked her months ago if she thought she was going because I was excited about it. Now that the time is here, I am overly nervous. I won’t know anyone -- will they think I am inferior? How will I know what to do and where to go? Rational? I think not.
Really, I am a grown mature woman. Where is this fear coming from?
I was raised by a very independent mother (my dad was awesome too). I have memories of things like my parents were self employed, owned and operated a grading and excavating business, and my mom drove a dump truck! I remember my mom walking past a small alcove, or space if you will, between where the back of the fireplace jutted out in the game room and the door jam of that room, stopping and stepping back and making the statement, “we need a bookcase right here.” Yep, you guessed it; she designed and built a bookcase right there in that space. My mom caught spiders and bats in glass jars for me to take to science class. She was not a wait-for-someone-else-to-do-it kind of person. My dad took me fishing from the time I was like 4 years old. I dug in the dirt, I played kick ball, I rode bikes, I did lots of things. I may have worn a dress doing it, but I did it! Needless to say, I was not raised to think certain ways. I can remember my ex-father-in-law making a comment about taking my son and my ex fishing while I stayed with my ex-mother-in-law and did women things. I thought he was totally insane, some sort of cave man! I didn’t do “women” things, I did all things.
So why now am I having the thoughts and fears that I am having? Is it simply due to my age? Or is this a lingering side effect of my divorce? Now that I have survived and am seeing more clearly and thoroughly, is this the real me?