I Could, But I Don’t

Being divorced and sharing custody and parenting time of children leaves us with more knowledge of the lives of our ex than we should have. This transition into a new life would definitely be easier if there was little to no contact with our ex. Besides the obvious, there are other reasons. Many of us deal with the hurt of being left behind.

I felt my life continued exactly as I planned, as I thought it would, as I envisioned it, with one slight difference – I wasn’t in it. It seemed like the only thing missing in the perfect picture was me, and worse than that was the fact that I was the only one who noticed I was missing. Life went on for everyone else, but I was stuck. Stuck staring at what I thought should be mine.

Especially once my ex remarried, which was quick, I often wondered why I even existed.  The perfect family was there, and I was here, alone. My children got the benefit of a dad and mom, even though a stepmom, and their siblings all together in what was our house, driving our cars, going on our vacations. How much more could I take?  A good friend tried to remind me that none of that was mine any more. Honestly, that just made the pain worse. I begged God to explain to me why, when my ex was the one who chose this path, did he end up with everything? God did not speak an answer to me, not then and not now. However, six years later I still have those same thoughts occasionally, although on a smaller scale and much less often. The difference is now I make myself stop and really think about what I think I am thinking.  

I have some of the best family and friends anyone could ask for. I have a great church and support network. And I have the most amazing kids and granddaughters. Sure, I don’t live that life that I once thought I was going to. Sure, I don’t live in the big house and drive the expensive cars. Sure, I don’t stay at 5 star hotels and drop thousands on a weekend.  But I could.  I choose not to, because there are more important things in life.  

D15 Originally published 9-2014