Secrets are Never good

Secrets in a marriage are never good. No matter how innocent you think they are, your spouse does not feel the same.

I remember while going through my divorce, I was dragged out to dinner with my sister and her husband (at this point I pretty much wanted to crawl in a hole and die, so I had to be dragged everywhere).  As we sat at the table, I across from my sister and her husband, who sat next to her, I witnessed something so foreign to me. My brother-in-law opened his phone (yep, it was a flip phone that he kept until like a year ago) read a text, laughed, responded to the text and then held it over for my sister to read. She read it, they exchanged a few words and that was the end. As I sat dumbfounded, my expression must have shown my bewilderment, my sister asked what was wrong, was I okay?  I asked her if her husband did that a lot. Of course, she was lost and confused. I asked her did he often show her texts on his phone? Now she was totally confused as to why would I ask such a question.

My ex, husband at the time, would be sitting with me having a conversation and as words are flowing out of my mouth his phone would ring and he would answer it. RUDE. Not just that he answered it, but he went on to hold a full blown conversation, and the proverbial icing on the cake, when he hung up, there was no apology, no explanation.  

We would be talking and he would receive a text, read it, laugh out loud but when I asked what was so funny (when I really wanted to know who was so much more important than me), he would get angry with me.  

The usual response I would get when I questioned him on events like these, “why do you have to know everything?

Everything? I didn’t think it was everything. I thought it was a pretty simple question.  I mean, I think I deserved an answer when whatever or whoever was obviously more important than me.

Now, I know some of you think I was overreacting. Come on, it was definitely a sign. How long that sign had been around, I am unable to recall.  

I was not only not allowed to ask those questions of him, I was not allowed to touch his phone. I guess if an emergency ever arose and only his phone was around, I would have been in a world of hurt. My children tell me nothing has changed. They are not allowed to touch his phone or use it or see what is on it. He has his phone bluetoothed in his car and has answered calls without saying “hello.” What he says is, “my kids are in the car,” and then asks to call “her” back later.

Perhaps if others can’t touch your phone or hear a brief conversation, you shouldn’t be doing whatever you are doing.

Now in a healthy, happy relationship, I am privy to funny texts or simply who called. It seems so juvenile, and something most people take for granted. Based on my previous experiences, I know it’s a sign that I’m enough, rather than a red flag.

Donna  Originally Posted August 2014